- Obtain a significant other from a country that doesn’t sell Toaster Strudel
- Marry them and start a family
- Offer to make your fam breakfast every morning
- Make them strudel with no icing
- They’ll have no idea Toaster Strudel even come with icing
- Take all six packets for yourself
- Avoid making eye contact with your reflection in the mirror for the rest of your life because you are a monster
WAYS HE WILL BREAK YOU:
i. He’ll make you believe that your body is his shelter. He will tear your chest open and make a home for himself between your heart and your lungs, and when he decides to leave you he will break every one of your ribs on his way out.
ii. He holds you the way he holds his burnt out cigarettes. You will find yourself hanging at the edges of his lips, swaying back and forth in his mouth until his tongue pushes you back out and drops you like ashes beneath his feet. He will walk away with pieces of you stuck to the bottom of his shoe.
iii. He never calls you his work of art, instead his words hang around ‘a work in progress’. You’ll carry the colors of autumn on your skin, and he will tell you that you are his favorite canvas for painting. He teaches you that art should feel like a punch in the gut or a slap across the face and soon enough your body will feel less like a masterpiece and more like discolored pages torn out of scrapbooks.
iv. Trying to reach him will be like clashing through ocean waves with anchors tied around your feet. And you’ve never learned how to swim against the tides when your paper body is dissolving in saltwater. You will swim to him like he is your lighthouse and you are a stranded boat but he will never catch you when your body lands against the docks.
v. On nights he will carry the bitter aftertaste of cheap beer and other women between his teeth, he’ll convince you that your love is his only drug. You will only know love as slippery kisses along your chest and fingers digging into your back and empty words finding their way into your ears in the dark and you will only know the love he wants you to know."